My name is Nikola Tesla. I’m here to ask for fifty thousand American dollars. The induction motor. The Tesla coil. The telotomaton. We’re out. I’m out. I’m out. I’m out. On this episode of the Snake Pit. This inventor is a friend to flocks a feathered fowl and is hoping his avian asylum will impress the judges. Oh, him again?! Nikola Tesla prefers the company of pigeons to people and has even brought his favorite pigeon with him today. My name is Nikola Tesla and I am here to ask for 2 million American dollars to mass-produce my latest invention This better be worth it. I, like many of my distinguished peers. I’m a pigeon fancier. Pigeons are the noblest of birds. Clean. Intelligent. Beautiful. Get to the point Nikola! We don’t want to hear the disgusting details of your pigeon obsession. Yuck! There are many ways of pigeon can become injured. She could fly into a window or get attacked by a stray cat. That’s why I have invented the pigeon hospital bed! With the pigeon hospital bed your injured pigeon can recover the most comfort… Are you out of your mind man? I can assure you I am very sane. Very sane… There’s a fine line between genius and crazy and he is definitely on the crazy side. I say we lock him up in one of those institutions. Only a pervert with fancy pigeons like a man fancies a woman! Nikola Tesla, the greatest inventor of all time. Your genius brain is needed for a very important mission! There is no time to waste! Where the f… All right. Gotta calibrate the jigger. Uh, get the timey wimey thing started. I know damn it, but I cannot fly this thing all on my own! We’ll be entering the spacetime rift soon so hold on to something. Huh. It’s bigger on the inside. Is it? Hadn’t noticed. Pull that lever when I tell you to. Where is my assistant? Oh, right. That’s where we’re going. All in due time. What? Who … are you? Who? Who you ask? Of course. How rude of me. I’m Alexander Graham Bell and this is my phone box. it travels through time and space. Usually a lot smoother than this. I told you to pull that lever! We’re here! Studio 3.14. The Nexus of all time and space. And they don’t make a half-bad cup of tea either. We’d better get a move on. The rest of the team are expecting us. Time waits for no man. Aw come on! Just one? You know, that wine is the blood of me, right? I mean, it’s my son’s blood but like the same thing. Holy Trinity. Sorry kid. No alcohol until you reach omnipotence again. Oh. Twins are … so hot! Yeah. Get in there you sick f**k. Um, pigeon doesn’t like it in here. It’s too loud. Take us back right now! No, no, no. No. You cannot go back. The future of humanity is at stake. Well, not your future, but you know, the future future. But I could always get James Watt instead. Watt? That low voltage hack? He couldn’t power a lightbulb! I’m the one you need. I’m the Master of Electricity! Then it’s settled. Oh, good. You got Tesla. I thought we agreed on Watt. Tesla meet the other two expert members of our team. The ever lovely Ada Lovelace, inventor of computer programming and all around mathematical genius. And Alan Turing, master hacker and code breaker extraordinaire. We’ve met before but you won’t remember that because it hasn’t happened yet. Take a seat. You must be wondering why we’ve brought you here. A very important device has been stolen. Don’t call him that. We need your help and your awesome electricity powers to retrieve it. Awesome. I’m listening. This is a stronghold in the abandoned city of New Zurich where we believe the device is being held. The only trick is that it’s heavily guarded by drones left over from the Z3 wars. Wait a minute. Z3? He’s not supposed to know that yet. Oh, right. Forget I said anything. I can get us through the perimeter using my phone box, but we have got the time our landing perfectly to avoid those bloody drones. At first the timing of their patrol appeared to be random, but I was able to crack the pattern. Eventually. There’s an access panel near the south entrance of the stronghold. Turing will hack into the mainframe from there and lower the security gates. Once Turing has hacked into the mainframe, I’ll upload a special virus I developed which will interrupt the drones audio-visual sensors effectively making them deaf and blind. Halt! Who goes there? Intruder alert. Intruder alert. That should give Bell and Tesla the opportunity they need to sneak inside the stronghold. Turing and I will keep an eye on you using the security cameras. Once inside it will be a simple matter of Tesla using electricity to overload the grid. Then it’s a straight shot to the inner stronghold where the device is being held. Easy-peasy. Good lord! That did not go as planned! Well, you didn’t tell me this base was run on direct current. I bet Watt could handle it. I’ll just give him a quick call right now. No! I can do it. I’m not afraid of this inferior electricity. Ouchy. Exterminate! Exterminate! That did it! Good work lad. Wait, I thought the drones were supposed to be blind. Well they might as well be with aim like that. I thought the security gates were supposed to be open! Stop your moaning and just fry these bastards! They’re sucking up my zappy juice! Haha, we’re made it! Take that you weapons-grade piss pots. Yeah big metal baw bag. Uh Bell. Exterminate. If you’d have used a polymorphic algorithm the drones wouldn’t have adapted to the virus so quickly. Well, if you didn’t leave bread crumbs in your metadata, they wouldn’t have been able to trace your hack! Quick! In here! Give me that. I’m going to update my virus. No, I need to hack back into the security system. You couldn’t hack your way out of a paper bag. What would you know about it? I literally invented computer programming! Exterminate. Exterminate. No, don’t hurt him! Easy Watson. You don’t want to hurt us. Why don’t you just power down your lasers and come back to the phone box? Exterminate. Come on now, you don’t want to exterminate me. I’m your daddy remember? They’re coming through. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate! Whoa! That’s enough Watson! You’re being a very naughty boy! Stop using that thing! You’re upsetting pigeon! Pigeon! Exterminate. Exterminate. Well, we’re in it now aren’t we Watson. Good boy. Exterminate! Did somebody call for IT support? Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate! Ex … ter … min … ate. My … arm… The device has been acquired. Let’s get it back to the phone box. Tesla. Help us carry him. My … special arm. There. Good as new. You can stop crying now But it’s all clunky. And pinchy. Thank you for helping rescue me, Mr. Tesla. I hope you like my arm. It has served me well in countless adventures. From the phlegm Pits of Fornax Minor all the way to the sex dungeons of Zardozia. I need to take a shower. Well, this is your stop. You’ve been very, uh, helpful. Watt would have been better. See you next time Nikola. Or rather, see you for the first time? …uck did he just go? Oh there he is. I’m out! So what? Tesla just has a robot arm now? Looks like it. Yep. Heh! That’s so anime. Who? Who you ask?